When Thoughts Become Pictures

It's been a little while since I last wrote. I've had other things on my plate in the last week, but I'm back with some bittersweet news. I have decided and will inform my school later this afternoon that I will not be working with them or the greater Aston system after August. Rather, I will be moving back to Denton in hopes of establishing deeper roots in this great Texas community. 

Those of you who have kept up with me in the last month and half know that this decision has been one that has produced a lot of questions and more anxiety than I would like to claim. Honestly, I feel more relief than I feel resolve to have this decision now behind me. 

Somedays, like this morning, when I wake up to find that all the water in my flat has been turned off or when the stranger walking next to me hawks a giant luggie on my foot, the thought of moving back to Denton sounds pretty nice. 

Other days, when my Muslim noodle mama welcomes me into her restaurant with a giant hug and a big bowl of noodles or when I watch my students laugh during class, the thought of leaving this city absolutely breaks my heart. 

I knew this decision would not be a painless one to make; both Denton and Guiyang are communities which have greatly impacted me, but after thoroughly weighing the cost benefits, I believe moving back to Texas is the healthier, wiser decision. 

About a week ago, I was waiting for my friend Lilyth at a local coffee shop. We were meeting for my Mandarin lesson, and I had arrived to the shop early to journal a bit. Just that day, one of my best friends Emily, who I have known since kindergarten, announced her engagement to a guy who she is so crazy about her voice raises an octave or two whenever she references him. I had been thinking about Emily all morning, and these thoughts turned into doodles on the corner of my journal page. 

The creation started as several individual circles. As I traced around these shapes, the individual circles were less apparent while the overall image became the focal point. My sketch stemmed from Emily's news, but I think all people are this way. Yes, we are all individuals, but when we live in community with other humans — be that marital, familial, professional or missional community— our individuals lives become intertwined with other individual lives, and it's hard, if not impossible, to separate ourselves from the larger image. God has been tracing my life around his people in China for almost six years now, and I can't believe that will end in August. But it will have take on a new shape, and part of me is reluctant of the change. 

I think most deeply when I am walking, and yesterday on my way home from work, I got anxious thinking about what the transition back to Texas will entail. Where will I work? Who will I live with? Who will be my friends? In some ways it feels like moving back to Denton requires greater faith than moving to China. 

And I realized that it's not so much about being in one place or another, but rather this uneasy sense of placelessness that I find so difficult. I'm the only American at my work, so no one here really understands the place I'm from, and yet none of you can really understand the place I'm at. I'm tangled up in these two cultures, and the longer I stay in one place the less I fit into the other.

I received an e-mail this morning from an old college buddy, another traveler, and the timing of his letter couldn't have been more perfect. He kindly reminded me that one of the great benefits of traveling is how we learn so well that earth is our not our home. We weren't ever meant to be comfortable here, and "fitting in" isn't really the point.

The e-mail made me think of a note card I keep posted to my fridge with Deuteronomy 10.17 written out in my messy handwriting:

He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and water. 

I hold fast to this promise and eagerly await the provisions to come. I trust that the God who called me to China that fateful morning in Barcelona is allowing me to leave China, at least for a little while. And I believe the result of this intertwining of lives and cultures will be reaped eternally, when I finally make it home.